October Sermon Series "Why I Come To St. Hilary's"

A reflection from Sue on Luke 17:11-19

Back in August, when Pastor Terri asked me to speak today, I said sure without even thinking about it. I have never minded talking publicly, so this would be easy. All I had to do was share why I come to St. Hilary’s. That was easy enough. I come because I started here when I was 9 and I was too lazy when I was done with college to go anywhere else. Done.

But, as I reflected further, it became very clear to me that this was not the entire truth. Yes, I have been here since I was 9. Yes, there are some times in my life when I decide to just stay where I am so that I don’t have to put in the effort of changing. However, there is far more to my life at St. Hilary’s than that. Something has kept me here despite great difficulties within myself and this community.

I realized quite clearly when I was in high school that faith could be very difficult. I was part of the youth group here. There were approximately 20 high school students in the group back then. I had a few friends there. I enjoyed most of the activities we did. But, when I was a junior and brought a friend to church, I discovered that this group was not very welcoming to new people that were a little different from them and I began to look at my own relationships within the group. I decided that I didn’t want to be talking about things that meant nothing to me. I was a good kid. I didn’t drink, wasn’t out late partying and didn’t disagree with my parents on everything they said. So, I decided to attend church rather than youth group. Not one person ever asked why I left the group, but the rumor got back to my parents that I felt I was too good for the group. No one ever found out that I quit because I didn’t feel I belonged. I wasn’t going to come to youth group every Sunday to feel rejected and alone.

I thought of this whole story because I was reflecting on Paul’s letter to Timothy that was read today. The section that was read today talks of enduring hardship so others may know Christ. When 20 kids all turned their backs on me, it was a hardship. But, I was not ashamed that my faith in God and the spirituality I felt in church were more important to me than the friendship of others my age. It was a lonely time, but my faith grew by being in church and doing what I wanted to do rather than following the crowd. This experience began to teach me that the church is filled with human beings and we are all imperfect and sometimes hurt others. If we continue to work together and find common ground, we can be made well, both as individuals and as a congregation.

This very building has many good memories within it. Way back when the addition was build, I helped paint many Saturdays. Joe and I were married here. Both our children were baptized here. But, it’s not just the building. Even more importantly, it’s the people.

When we were married we were surrounded by great family and friends. Both of our boys were baptized here by women I love and respect in a community that has stood behind us in thick and thin. Johnny’s baptism even began the process of my family’s reconciliation with my brother.

Today, I continue to come to St. Hilary’s for many reasons. One of my favorite things about our church here is that we are small and I can feel that I have an impact on the life of this congregation. I am able to read lessons, work with the music, help out in the education programs, lead Vacation Bible school and recently have been given the opportunity to fight for the children in our church and world.

My faith and people here have helped me through many very hard times in my life, from the caring for my dying grandmother to having my brother move into our apartment when we were married just months: from being diagnosed with major depression to being told my son had bipolar disorder; from not finding a teaching job right away to being ready to move to the next part of my life by going back to school next year; from my parents moving to Colorado to my parents moving back. But, where does my faith come from?

It comes from my time here in this place with God and my friends. So, here is the answer for Pastor Terri’s question. St. Hilary’s is a place where I really belong. I have friends that have supported me through several bouts of major depression. When I had a difficult time and began to withdraw, my friends here didn’t let me. They lovingly helped my family guide me back to health. They pray for me. Like the 10 lepers in the gospel today, I have begged God to heal me. People here remind me that God loves me and that healing takes many forms. Jesus healed the lepers because they asked to be made well and they believed in him. I have struggled for many years with this particular story. Why does he not heal me from this disease called depression? Why doesn’t he just make it go away once and for all?

Like the Lepers, I have continued to ask for help. This spring I journeyed through lent feeling very abandoned by God. I was in the desert searching for him. I finally got to the point where I realized that I had to search within myself in order to find him. I took this dark, Lenten time to reflect and wait until I found some answers. I did withdraw from my friends, or at least tried to. The friends here at St. Hilary’s didn’t let me. They made me interact in a safe caring environment. When I wanted to just hide in bed, they checked on me and prayed with me. I know that just being on the prayer list here helped me to feel that I would find God again and me again.

This was a really difficult and scary time in my life. All the time, I kept coming here hoping to find God and myself again. I asked God to heal me and also my family. I consulted Drs that helped me to get the chemicals in my body more balanced and the thoughts in my head more clear. I fought the feelings of desertion. But, most of all, I searched inside me. After all, others around me seemed to see valuable things in me, just as Jesus did in the lepers. I spent time examining old memories. I began to reframe the way I looked at who I was.

It was a long journey, but somewhere around Easter, I let go of some of the guilt and pain that I had taken on as a child. What a freeing experience! I became clean inside! I see life differently now. I’m sure I will continue to deal with depression the rest of my life, but I have now forgiven myself for things that happened when I was a child and young adult that weren’t my fault in the first place.

\Like the 9 lepers in today’s gospel that didn’t come back, it took me a while to see God again in my life. I didn’t thank him right away. I figured I had worked hard and fought on my own. However, it became obvious that it was not all my doing. God had been there all the way. He had held my hand and listened while I cried. He had protected and helped me to continue to care for my family. He had guided the Drs in their decisions for my treatment. He does want me to be well. He wants me to be healthy and productive.

So, like the lepers I was healed and now I have finally come back to Jesus to say thank you. I am not a leper anymore. I do not reject myself anymore. And I can honestly say that without God and all of you, I would be in a very different place in my life than I am today. So, I not only need to continue to thank God, but also all of you. I look forward to the future, not with fear, but with excitement. I don’t know what will happen here in the future. But, I know that along with all of us taking care of our church, God will continue to be present here and we can continue together to do God’s work.

Jesus healing my reflection on the lessons read today allow me to hear him say, “Get up and go on your way; your faith has made you well.”